What if you decided that being physically challenged is not going to hinder your chances at love?

We can invent the society that surrounds us through our own perception. Yes, there are facts but how we interpret those truths will be imperative to how one interacts with others and vice versa in the dating game (Schultz, 2008).

The fact is you have a disability and dating is difficult but a truth is dating isn’t easy for many women but we all deserve a real and soul touching love and just because the world or some guy has a certain belief about who you are, it doesn’t mean you have to buy into that.

There are many things about adulthood that would send us back to being a kid if we could in a split second, you know things like bills but one of the glorious amenities about being an adult is choice. We can choose how we see life and love and what we perceive through our lens will be reflected back to us.

Think about it, ladies.

If we believe that the world is cold and unacceptable then guess what? We will experience a world that does not accept us. If we are expecting rejection then get ready to be rejected.

If we dwell on the fact that we are single but see it as unhappily alone then your actions will mirror a sad spinster that no man can be interested in because you’ve already put out the sign “No Men Allowed”.

I made that decision at the age of fourteen. I was newly injured and severely depressed. I had been dating a guy for about a year so needless to say, I was seeing stars just by the thought of him, sigh. And then bam, I wake up in the Intensive Care Unit and in this odd state of mind and new body, I quickly concluded that the old me was gone and I had clearly changed so everything else needed in my life would too.

I reversed the way I felt about myself, my boyfriend, and my life. Everything that I knew the day before was over and the only thing that was left was this daunting physical challenge that I wasn’t up to facing. See, I knew what the boyfriend and anyone else in my world didn’t know. I was aware of the fact that I now had a Spinal Cord Injury and I didn’t even want me so how could he??

I don’t ever recall uttering those words to him but my actions spoke very loud. He’d come to the hospital and my heart would light up but I never smiled at him. I would say hi and hold small talk but our conversations were not the same and neither were we. As time went on the visits became less and less until they just stopped. Was I sad? Of course. I was still aching and traumatized about my paralysis and how my life had changed and now in pain from dealing with the loss of love but I wasn’t shocked, however, it was what I knew would happen. It was going perfectly according to my script.

I had conjured up rejection. Would he had left me anyway? Maybe. There are fully grown men that become emotionally impotent when the spouse puts on weight, never mind a fourteen year old boy trying to mentally handle his feelings in regard to that situation. But could we have continued our bond/friendship and could I have finished my high school years with dating more and having less self doubt and insecurity, had I not initially thought that my world would consists of people rejecting me simply because, I was disabled? Yes! I need to say that again? Yes!

Fact: Chances are this puppy love would’ve ended soon anyway. According to ChaCha.com , the likelihood of high school sweethearts staying together is less than 2 percent. So a breakup was highly probable but my perception told my truth before it’s time.

Truth: The injury devastated me and took my ability to physically move as I once did but it did not take my life or my capacity to experience my truth in a more optimistic way and not make up fiction based on fear.

My story is that of a young girl projecting my inner perceptions onto my boyfriend and that shaped my future for years to come.

I’m now an adult and I get to choose how I perceive the world, a little more wisely. And I hope you, Dream Girls with disability do as well. Let our perceptions of ourselves call forth a great romance and love of our bodies exactly as they are. Never think that you are beyond the ABILITY to Love and be Loved.

And now you know.

OK, now think about all of the guys that you admired or fell in love with after your first love.

Is there a common thread? Do they resemble one another in physical characteristics and/or personality, habits, and mannerisms etc? What about their love for you? Was that parallel as well? Did they treat you as something very special in their life or regard you as someone they could take or leave depending on their mood?

When you look back at the type of men you tend to choose, you gain insight into what you have deemed acceptable with the opposite sex. It’s very easy to say that he was a dog, unavailable, scared of commitment, or abusive and treated you horribly. Yes, none of those guys fit the mold because they end up leaving you and also never had the capability of having a successful relationship with you in the first place. But notice that their number one common denominator is…You.

You have accepted this bad behavior from one guy after another. Ask yourself why? Figure it out and make a vow to never, ever cheat yourself out of a true love and partnership again. It’s sad to say but there are quite a few nice guys that do actually finish last because some women are too busy investing their time and energy  into guys that they shouldn’t have even given the time of day to, never mind their undying love.

Most of us cannot wait to say “I do” but have yet to stay fully committed and faithful to our own needs. Should we not love, honor, and cherish ourselves first and foremost? What justification are you giving while crying yourself to sleep at night knowing that YOU allowed these guys to take advantage of your loving heart, body, wallet, and whatever else you offered?

Ladies, if you want more then don’t stand for less. You couldn’t possibly dream of having an ideal relationship with a good guy if the one with yourself is unhealthy.

Make a vow to yourself to always honor and respect you before even thinking about committing your all to another guy that is not going to treat you as you treat you. That is the ultimate bliss!

And now you know.

Photo Courtesy of 123rf.com

I wanted to show you this inspiring but candid video. Finding love isn’t easy but not impossible.

In frustrating moments, remember… All it takes is one!

Ladies, we cannot minimize the effect that physical challenges has on us on a day to day basis. We absolutely need to take care of ourselves and that should be a priority but does a relationship fail or grow because of your disability? No, romance at the core is about love, respect, partnership. And as the couple in this video show, as long as you have those key components, everything else is secondary.

Love most certainly conquers all!

And now you know.

Today is one of the most beautiful days of the year. It’s a pink X-Mas for the ladies in love. Gifts and sweetness are flowing nonstop on this festive day. And some of you may be thinking “Gina, please, it’s the worst day ever for a single girl!” Well, Ms. Solo, It can be horrible, if you’re focusing on the beautiful bouquet of roses that just walked by en route to your coworkers cubicle but I’m going to suggest doing two things that will redirect your attention and make your day sparkle in the rays of romance too!

1. Stay Hopeful. I found this story on my favorite online dating site for people with disabilities http://ilivewithadisability.com/2012/02/14/cupid-struck-online/ . No, you are not in love today but why not tomorrow? Check out Sarah’s story and you’ll begin to feel more upbeat and optimistic about V-Day 2014. I don’t recommend, however, contacting the guys first or moving in until there’s a ring on it or an “I do” but the heart of the story is so inspiring, enjoy! 

2. Fall in love. Not with a new guy but with a handsome hobby or an irresistible interest that just takes your breath away so that you don’t spend every waking moment thinking about a crush, an ex, or the Mr. Wonderful that has yet to appear. This amusement should be something that relaxes you and/or enhances you so the day your Dream Guy happens upon you, he’ll admire this beautiful creature who knows how to delight in the fullness of life with or without him!

The whole point of V-day is to celebrate love!

And now you know. xoxo 

Dear Gina,

I’m writing to you from CA! I live in a big state but I must confess I’m often lonely. I come from an amazing family but they all have their own lives so it’s pretty much just me a lot of the time.

I was in a car accident 10 years ago and I am paralyzed from the waist down. I’m very independent and I haven’t let my disability slow me down as far as my life goes but I do feel that it has put a major damper on my social life, good friends and romance in particular.

I’m tired of being alone and really over hoping for a Dream Guy that has yet to appear. I feel that my life is a gift and I long to share it with someone but as time goes by, I am scared that I’ll never have the relationship that I’ve always wanted to have!

BTW, I found your blog a couple of months ago and used it as a crutch to get through the holidays but they will be coming around again in less than a year and I really don’t want to go through another season feeling this way. Your advice is much appreciated.

-Ruby

Dear Ruby,

What a pretty name. Rubies are one of the four precious stones along with the diamond, sapphire, and the emerald. So just by name alone you are in good company! And by disability as well. There aren’t many of us in the club in comparison to the multitude of able bodied women. We are as rare and unique as gemstones so many of us will feel at times, isolated and set apart from the rest.

Now, I consider myself very sweet but I’m not one to sugar coat much. Ruby, the truth is we are different and it sounds like you have accepted that in your everyday living but not so much in your social and romantic life.

I, too, was in an accident that forever changed my life and body and I believe that the biggest realization that I came to since that fateful day was that change had definitely come but did this change mean that every single thing that I had hoped and dreamt of having was over? For many years following the accident, I had said yes to that horrible thought by my actions. I focused on school and my daughter and felt that my last love would be my last love because I felt that I could not give of myself like I wanted because of my disability.  Oh. What fools we can be! I have since learned different and it is my life’s mission to tell my readers what I now know.

Ruby, have you ever heard of the affirmation “Change your mind, change your life”? Having a disability has presented some social and romantic challenges for you but it has not put a “damper” on them. Your thoughts have kept you on the sidelines and fear has stopped you from going forward in those areas. You are the you before youre accident, only wiser. All of those attributes you had before are still within you.

You’re so right, your life is a gift and it’d be a tragic blow to a Mr. Wonderful’s heart if you chose not to open up and share it! Love is waiting on you while you’re waiting on love, Ruby. There are two important lessons that having a disability teaches us ladies. Patience and optimism.

He may not be there today and you may not have the close friendships that you desire right now but that doesn’t mean neither will cease to exist forever. Ruby, you sound like you’re ready for both. Put yourself out there. Join Spinal Cord Injury support groups locally and online. There are potential dates there and friends. And you already know that you share something in common with them which helps cement the bond.

I also recommend exploring your interests and hobbies. What is your most favorite thing to do or have you always wanted engage in a certain activity but haven’t found the time or courage? Now is the time! You’ll be enhancing your life’s joys and you’ll never know who just might be there looking for a ruby of their very own!

You mentioned the holiday season in your email. Breathe, they are a year away! The only season that should be in your focus is your season of single, I’m including my blog on how to best handle it below so please read and re read if you have not done so already.

http://rulesdreamgirl.com/single-season/

Remember, you’re a precious gem and I hope that you treat yourself as such!

All the best and keep me posted.

Dream Girls

Christmas is a week away and as exciting as that day is for most of us worldwide, there are some of us that will feel lonely this holiday season and after. Many of us are wondering when will we ever get to spread Xmas cheer to our Mr. Wonderful? And some of you just dread the holiday season because you don’t have a family of your own.

The good news is: You are not alone, ladies. There are plenty of single people with disabilities looking for love and paving their way in the vast world.

The holidays are not only about gifts,drinks, and yummy food but also about hope. Smile, keep dreaming and visualizing about it being you one day kissing some special someone under the mistletoe and stay filled with eternal hope, knowing that it can happen for you too.

Please read this with an open heart and mind and let’s make romance happen for the next holiday season. Merry Christmas!

If you look close enough to the world around you, you might just find someone like you.

Someone trying to find their way. Someone trying to find their self.

Sometimes it seems like you are the only one in the world who is struggling, who is frustrated, unsatisfied, barely getting by. But that feelings a lie.

But if you just hold on, find the courage to face it all for another day, someone or something will find you and make it all okay.

Because we all need a little help sometimes. We need someone to remind us that it won’t always be this way. That someone is out there and that someone will find you.

Photo courtesy of Halloween costumes.org

I know I’m not alone with my inquiring mind because the comment sections blow up when entertainment sites get that all so “top secret” information. I remember reading about J-Lo wanting her dressing room filled with white roses, furniture and white carpet only! I wonder if she’s changed her color preferences since having children. (My mother never had white anything, not even dishes).

Also, do you remember when smokinggun.com reported that Katy Parry’s inner prima donna demanded that the driver could not “look in the rear view mirror and only speak when spoken to”?

These type of hedonistic wants may sound atrocious and borderline certifiable but their fan bases continue to grow by the day and these over the top diva’s are adored by their own significant others as well as men from all over the world. So, it turns out that the male species will overlook a certain amount of wild behavior from his love but wait, there are a few things that will have your Mr. Wonderful planning his escape, and one them is; Jealousy: The Green Eyed Diva!

However, it is perfectly normal to not want to share and keep our treasured Dream Guy all to ourselves. But a lady doesn’t succumb and become jealous, she will feel the feeling but will also let it go immediately otherwise, you’ll become a clingy and insecure mess that is no longer worthy of being put on a pedestal and labeled his Dream Girl. 

Here are three ways women show their jealousy…

• Hungry Eyes – I have had clients that cannot get their work done because they are stalking his every move on social media websites such as Facebook and Twitter. They were extremely frightened about him befriending some other woman and god forbid, thinking she’s pretty and perhaps, moving on. Log out of his business and focus on yours.
• I Spy – There are a lot of women guilty of playing Jamesetta Bond and going through extensive spying measures to figure out the passcode to his phone in order to gather information from his texts or call logs or incessantly checking his emails.
•  Repeat Pete – One of my past clients was very insecure because of having to use a wheelchair and feared her boyfriend secretly wanted a woman without a disability. The relationship suffered because of her own issues and not because of his behavior. She admitted that he was a good guy but she just always had a feeling of uncertainty. My client lacked trust in herself and all that she was. She was just the right woman to catch him and she needed to realize that she was just the right woman to keep him if not, on to the next one!  My daughter had a toy parrot when she was younger by the name of Repeat Pete and it would constantly echo. Dream Girls, there is nothing wrong with hearing his words of sweetness often but don’t have a insatiable need for constant assurances, almost hourly, of his undying devotion. Look at his actions! They will speak louder than any sugary words he could ever say.  

There are many reasons why some of us decide to let this green eyed diva control us and ruin his belief that we are his Dream Girl. Ladies, it’s just not sexy to be a maniac over someone that may or may not love you. Rise above it or you risk receiving the one thing that you’re trying to avoid; losing Mr. Wonderful!

 And now you know.

Photo courtesy of campuscrush.101.wordpress.com

Dream Girls,

As stressful as they can be, I have always loved the holidays. The whole ambiance is exhilarating! Love is plentiful, people are more giving, angels are getting their wings, and the music just makes you happy!  I don’t even mind the snow laden ground at this time of year but thankfully, there is none at this point.

As Thanksgiving approaches, I know that there are many accomplishments and things that I want in my world but as I have taken the time to look deeply at myself and the fact that I’m still sitting here, breathing and blessed, I feel so eternally grateful for who I am and for my life.

We are all taught that yesterday is history and tomorrow will be better. I subscribe to that notion as well but as I reflect over the years of my 34 year journey in this world, I know that the past has contributed greatly to all that I am today and I give thanks.   

2 of the most pivotal points in my life were giving birth to the most beautiful girl in the world and a horrific occurrence that resulted in my being a Quadriplegic. Twenty years ago on Thanksgiving; I was accidentally shot by a friend.

It was just a normal, snowy, and cold Thanksgiving. My little sister and I decided to meet my cousin and a friend for a snowball fight and sledding until dinner was ready. After we had pelted each other into human ice cubes, we decided to call it a day and meet up again later after all of the family ritual stuff. Back in the warmth of my home, I didn’t each much(5 ½ months later found out why) so I went to my room and danced and played music with my cousin and sister.

My friend showed up a while later and we talked our typical teenager talk until he decided that he would show us something “cool”. A gun and not so typical anymore. However, we were very intrigued and shockingly, not afraid. I was always scared of anyone or anything exhibiting violence but I guess when the gun is in the hand of a friend, one is a bit more relaxed. My friend was nervous though and thought it’d be wise to take the bullets out of the gun before he put it back into his jeans so he wouldn’t shoot himself. Finally! One of these clueless teens are thinking sensibly, right?

So we all sit down, eyes fixated on my friend trying to remove the bullets. The adults are downstairs, unaware of the curiosity of weapons going on right above them and then a loud noise. And I immediately go from sitting on my bed to lying flat on my back. We all knew that the gun had went off but it wasn’t pointed at anyone so my cousin assumes that I was kidding when I fell back onto the bed so she says with a giggle, “Get up, Gina” and I knew something was wrong because I felt nothing, everything just went numb but I had not connected the two yet and said “I can’t” in a very soft whisper. And soon after I spoke, blood started gushing from the side of my neck and everyone had now become painfully aware that I was injured by the gun.

I don’t remember crying because I didn’t feel any pain or anything but I was in fear of dying so I prayed aloud while my family was in a state of panic waiting for the ambulance. I was awake and alert the whole time. I kept thinking about movies and how once the character’s eyes closed, it was the end so I was determined to keep those brown eyes open and focused!

The ambulance arrived and I knew I would survive but I became very hysterical in my thinking because now, “I know I’m alive but what kind of bullet renders you unable to move or feel? The bad guys in the movies scream out in pain when they are shot but I have none.” And then my thoughts suddenly became interrupted at the sound of material ripping. “Brand new material that I had just purchased. Brand new cotton and jean material that my boyfriend had yet to see me in! Could this night get any worse??” So I worriedly asked the paramedic “Why are you ripping my clothes?” and he responded with “Honey, I’m sorry but we’re cutting you out of your clothes to see if there are any other points of entry or exit”. I lost consciousness soon after that. I assume it was from the loss of blood but now that I’m a woman and look back, I think the little girl knew that all would be well and she’d deal with the rest later. To read more about that http://rulesdreamgirl.com/shh-dont-ask-dont-tell/

Waking up feeling helpless and clueless about my new life, I struggled every day to find out why something like this would happen to me?? I was in rehabilitation for the next four months, and complained a lot about my new injury but also about feeling sick. I kept telling my nurses and doctors that I wasn’t well and always felt like “there was a little alien living inside of me.” Needless to say, I was sent directly to a psychologist to learn how to deal with my newly disabled body and thoughts too, I guess!

A few days before I was due to discharge from rehab, my doctor ordered an ultra sound to examine my bladder and the tech began to weirdly stare at the machine so I became even more frightened and asked if there was something wrong and she just said with a worried look on her face, “The doctor will be up to talk with you”.

Well, three fretful hours later, the doctor arrives and tells me, “I’m a little stunned but relieved, Gina”. I’m thinking “What, now? I’ve been through enough! Who did I smother to death in a former life to deserve this?” And he continues, “You were right. There is a little alien inside of you. And as far as we can tell, you are about 5 months pregnant! I’m sorry, we should have tested”. He then asks, “If the father of the baby was the young man he had seen visiting?” I nodded and he went to lecture me about romance and how it’s for older people because they can handle it and then he says, “I think you should be the one to call your mother”. My heart and the little alien sank even deeper into the pit of my stomach. Uh oh, this one is not a freak accident and kind of my fault so how am I going to explain this one?

Word spread quickly and three guys that I had bonded with during my time there (also newly injured with a spinal cord injury) came rolling in to comfort me while I called my mom. My aunt answered the phone and so I chickened out and told her first. She doesn’t say hold on, she just yells to my mother “Gina’s pregnant!” And my mom calmly asks, “Gina, who?” I quickly hung up!

A week later I was discharged, I returned to school that Monday and completed my freshman year. Tayler Alexandra was born 5 months later right before my sophomore year in high school began.  Fast forward twenty years later, she is no longer a little alien but a beautiful 19 year old college sophomore and I couldn’t be more proud of the young lady that she is!

The 20 year anniversary of my paralysis on this Thanksgiving is only two days away and I’m excited and grateful for all that I am. I wish time travel was a reality so I could roll back in time to tell my fourteen year old self that it’s all going to work out. I’d say that there will be tough times and tears but there will also be a lot of joy and moments of sheer happiness. It may feel like your life as you’ve always known it has ended but it’s just different and you are no less wonderful than you were the day before the accident, remain grateful, positive, and hold on tight, Gina, the ride may not be easy but the best is yet to come!

I came across this the other day while perusing the internet. I have no idea who wrote it but it’s genius and we could all remember this while dating and looking for Mr. Wonderful! And if you’ve never read the Book of Ruth in the bible, take time to do so, it’s very romantic.

To all the girls who are in a hurry to have a boyfriend or get married, a piece of Biblical advice: ”

Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz.”

While you are waiting on YOUR Boaz, don’t settle for any of his relatives; Broke-az, Po-az, Lyin-az, Cheating-az, Dumb-az, Drunk-az, Cheap-az, Lockedup-az, , Goodfornothing-az, Lazy-az, and especially his third cousin Beatinyo-az. Wait on your Boaz and make sure he respects Yoaz….#Truth